I received an email earlier tonight asking for prayers. The mother of a youth that went with us to Ichthus, passed away today suddenly. I didn't know the family but was told that the father is the Pastor of a local church and there were four children in the family. Please pray for the family at this difficult time. The other prayer request is for the mother of a girl I used to go to high school with. According to the email, the mother was riding her bike while on vacation and was hit by a car. She was then life-flighted with head injuries. Please pray for her healing and for her family.
After reading these emails, I became angry with myself. Here I am worrying about stupid things and becoming frustrated over little petty things, when there are four children without a mother and another family who are praying for their family member to recover. If nothing else, I need to stop and be thankful that I have a husband and children who are alive and fairly healthy. I need to be thankful that I have a roof over my head, even if it's not the most desirable home. I need to be thankful that I woke up this morning and can walk without a wheelchair or cane. I need to be thankful that I can see and hear and talk. I need to be thankful for the food I have, even if we've been eating a ton of grilled cheese sandwiches and peanut butter & jellys. I have sooo much to be thankful for!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
hurt again, when will this end?
I'm sitting here now contemplating and thinking through a lot of things. My husband and I got into a huge fight and he left with our son awhile ago. I just can't do this anymore. My husband made the comment a couple night ago about how I'm the one who pulls him in when he is going out too far..and that's a lot to put on another person. Because I am constantly pulling him back to the shore and it's tiring; it takes my focus off of so many other things when I have to keep track of what he's doing or not doing and how far out he's gone. He's a grown adult and he needs to start realizing that. I already have so much on my shoulders..I cook, I clean, I go to college, I do it all for everyone. And if he read this, he would probably laugh and tell me that I don't do anything. He can say very hurtful, mean things to me and his defense mechanism is to either say "Whatever" and run away or turn the table and make me look bad to make himself look better. And I already am going through so much..I have such low self-esteem right now and he never gives me positive comments. I don't get a thank-you for the housework I do, or a "Dinner was great". I have never heard from him that I look nice unless we're in bed. It's always been about him and I've sat back and kept my mouth shut. If he wants to eat a certain something, we eat it. If he wants to go here, we go there. If he wants to have sex, we do. If I want to, he's too tired. And when I try to voice my opinion about something, it's wrong and he throws a fit. I've tried to talk to him about this but he just says it's not true and it's my fault. It has ALWAYS been about him. And I've sat back for years and kept my mouth shut. I've put my desires and needs and wants on the back burner, which is okay because it's not about me...but every once in awhile, I want it to be about me..for just a split second!
Well today, our son had been sitting on the couch watching tv for awhile and I didn't want him to continue sitting there not being active. My husband was back in our bedroom watching tv (he's there 90% of the time) and I was on the living room couch typing up my previous blog. I asked my husband if he would take our son down to my parent's house to swim and my husband told me "No, I don't want to go to your parent's house." I understand that there are a lot of people there but it would cool our son off and give him something to do. So I finished my blog and then went back to our bedroom. I made the comment that he never does anything with our son and that he needs to spend time with him and play with him. So he yells at me, "What do you do with him? You're just on the computer all the time! I'm leaving!" So I tried running after him and asked him to come back in the bedroom so we could talk; he told me no. So I waited until he got our son dressed and said, "We need to talk. I'm sick of this. I can't discuss anything with you because you won't listen and it becomes a huge fight. I need to talk to you."
And so he kept telling me no as I was trying to explain the importance of him being a good male role model for our son and spending time with him outside or doing things. Because I know what it's like: my dad was never around growing up..he always was at work or on the computer. I missed out on all those things growing up and it greatly affected me. And he again wouldn't listen to me so I became furious and said "You're lazy. You lay back in the bed the whole day, you collect unemployment but won't go look for a job and I'm sick of it." And he replied "I'm going to college (he takes two online classes and has most of the day free). You've had your degree for a year now and still aren't working." I said "I'm trying to find a job." He said "No you're not. You could have had a job by now. Plus, you're always complaining that you're sick. If you're so sick, how's come they haven't found anything wrong with your bloodwork?" And I just start crying. That was a slap in the face. I probably shouldn't have said it the way I did about his unemployment but come on!! He has been laid off for 2 YEARS and I have kept my mouth shut for 2 YEARS!! How can a husband..a head of the household..be okay with not working and providing for his family? He could be doing electrical side work but instead he sits by and watches us eat grilled cheese and ramen noodles because we have hardly any food. He sits by and watches us scrape together enough money for rent and electric each month. I can't imagine just sitting back and being okay with that. And it's frustrating because I have been going through a lot of physical problems but I'm still looking for a job. I have applied at both local hospitals several times for positions posted online and at a couple doctor's offices but have not heard anything back. It's hard being a newly graduated nurse because people hiring want 2-5 years experience and I have no experience in the field.
But I can't..I won't..continue to be treated like this. My husband and I don't communicate at all. He is always in the bedroom watching tv and I stay in the living room with the kids. When he gets his unemployment money (they put it on a debit card) the card stays in his wallet and I never see any of the money, unless it's for groceries. I can't sit down and budget because I don't have access to the card and it's spent before I know it. I desperately want a job, that way I can have access to that money, budget, and use it to pay bills on time instead of trying to scrape together enough money last minute for the bills, after my husband has bought what he wants.
I never dreamed that marriage would be like this. I didn't think it would be easy, but I didn't picture this. I guess that's one negative to not really knowing someone well before getting married. My husband and I dated 3 months before I was pregnant and then got married when I was 7 months along. We knew nothing about each other and had hardly any time to get to know each other before our daughter was born. But I'm to the point now, where I have put on a fake smile and "grinned and bared it" for much too long. I'm tired of getting pushed aside and being a "single parent" for so long. When my husband was working, he wouldn't help out with housework or play with the kids because he had worked 40 hours, was tired, and I wasn't working outside of the house. When he got laid off, his excuse was that he was collecting unemployment, which when he averaged it out, equaled out to a $10/hr job. And just last week was his last unemployment check (we're hoping he gets an extension so we can pay bills) so I don't know what the excuse will be now. Even though I have low self-esteem, I still believe that I deserve to be told I'm special and to be treated nicely. But the funny thing is, I don't want to be with anyone else. After going through all of this for so long, I just want to be by myself. I want to be able to balance a checkbook again and put money in a savings account without it getting taken out. I want to be able to pay off bills BEFORE they're due. I just want to be alone with just the kids. But then I don't because I would worry about them and how they were being taken care of, if we were separated. I want to start working on myself..building myself back up..and feeling good about myself. And I want to have a better relationship with God..where I can focus on Him and not have to keep dragging my husband behind me to keep him on track. LORD, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well today, our son had been sitting on the couch watching tv for awhile and I didn't want him to continue sitting there not being active. My husband was back in our bedroom watching tv (he's there 90% of the time) and I was on the living room couch typing up my previous blog. I asked my husband if he would take our son down to my parent's house to swim and my husband told me "No, I don't want to go to your parent's house." I understand that there are a lot of people there but it would cool our son off and give him something to do. So I finished my blog and then went back to our bedroom. I made the comment that he never does anything with our son and that he needs to spend time with him and play with him. So he yells at me, "What do you do with him? You're just on the computer all the time! I'm leaving!" So I tried running after him and asked him to come back in the bedroom so we could talk; he told me no. So I waited until he got our son dressed and said, "We need to talk. I'm sick of this. I can't discuss anything with you because you won't listen and it becomes a huge fight. I need to talk to you."
And so he kept telling me no as I was trying to explain the importance of him being a good male role model for our son and spending time with him outside or doing things. Because I know what it's like: my dad was never around growing up..he always was at work or on the computer. I missed out on all those things growing up and it greatly affected me. And he again wouldn't listen to me so I became furious and said "You're lazy. You lay back in the bed the whole day, you collect unemployment but won't go look for a job and I'm sick of it." And he replied "I'm going to college (he takes two online classes and has most of the day free). You've had your degree for a year now and still aren't working." I said "I'm trying to find a job." He said "No you're not. You could have had a job by now. Plus, you're always complaining that you're sick. If you're so sick, how's come they haven't found anything wrong with your bloodwork?" And I just start crying. That was a slap in the face. I probably shouldn't have said it the way I did about his unemployment but come on!! He has been laid off for 2 YEARS and I have kept my mouth shut for 2 YEARS!! How can a husband..a head of the household..be okay with not working and providing for his family? He could be doing electrical side work but instead he sits by and watches us eat grilled cheese and ramen noodles because we have hardly any food. He sits by and watches us scrape together enough money for rent and electric each month. I can't imagine just sitting back and being okay with that. And it's frustrating because I have been going through a lot of physical problems but I'm still looking for a job. I have applied at both local hospitals several times for positions posted online and at a couple doctor's offices but have not heard anything back. It's hard being a newly graduated nurse because people hiring want 2-5 years experience and I have no experience in the field.
But I can't..I won't..continue to be treated like this. My husband and I don't communicate at all. He is always in the bedroom watching tv and I stay in the living room with the kids. When he gets his unemployment money (they put it on a debit card) the card stays in his wallet and I never see any of the money, unless it's for groceries. I can't sit down and budget because I don't have access to the card and it's spent before I know it. I desperately want a job, that way I can have access to that money, budget, and use it to pay bills on time instead of trying to scrape together enough money last minute for the bills, after my husband has bought what he wants.
I never dreamed that marriage would be like this. I didn't think it would be easy, but I didn't picture this. I guess that's one negative to not really knowing someone well before getting married. My husband and I dated 3 months before I was pregnant and then got married when I was 7 months along. We knew nothing about each other and had hardly any time to get to know each other before our daughter was born. But I'm to the point now, where I have put on a fake smile and "grinned and bared it" for much too long. I'm tired of getting pushed aside and being a "single parent" for so long. When my husband was working, he wouldn't help out with housework or play with the kids because he had worked 40 hours, was tired, and I wasn't working outside of the house. When he got laid off, his excuse was that he was collecting unemployment, which when he averaged it out, equaled out to a $10/hr job. And just last week was his last unemployment check (we're hoping he gets an extension so we can pay bills) so I don't know what the excuse will be now. Even though I have low self-esteem, I still believe that I deserve to be told I'm special and to be treated nicely. But the funny thing is, I don't want to be with anyone else. After going through all of this for so long, I just want to be by myself. I want to be able to balance a checkbook again and put money in a savings account without it getting taken out. I want to be able to pay off bills BEFORE they're due. I just want to be alone with just the kids. But then I don't because I would worry about them and how they were being taken care of, if we were separated. I want to start working on myself..building myself back up..and feeling good about myself. And I want to have a better relationship with God..where I can focus on Him and not have to keep dragging my husband behind me to keep him on track. LORD, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so frustrated right now. This blog WILL consist of me complaining, so if you don't want to hear it..don't read on.
I'm frustrated because every place we have lived in since marriage has had issues and been below average. Our very first apartment had central air (++++) but we had very loud neighbors above us; we lived there for a year. Then we moved into a trailer when my daughter was around 10 months old. The trailer had 3 BR & 1 1/2 bath, which was great, but the furnace didn't work very well and we didn't have the money to fix it (we owned the trailer) So we had windown AC units during summer but during the winter we LIVED in the living room. We had to block off one hallway by nailing a blanket up to block off cold air..and we did the same on the other hallway past where the kitchen was. We used oil-filled space heaters that barely kept it warm enough. I can remember when my son was born I slept on one couch, my husband slept in the recliner, and our daughter slept on the other couch..our son's crib was crammed in the living room and we had two space heaters plugged in. I worried so much about my kids not being warm enough, especially my newborn son but there was no other option. And after I had my son, family & friends wanted to stop by and visit, so we would have to take the blankets down from the hallways, turn the oven on and leave the oven door open for awhile before people stopped by..to make it warmer in there. It was embarrassing. We lived there for almost 4 years.
After the trailer, we moved to an older farm house in the country. We loved that the house was huge and had beautiful wooden floors etc BUT the house was old and very damp. We couldn't use the basement because mold was everywhere down there, although our washer/dryer hookup was in the basement. Our one bathroom was also very damp and I found mold growing around the toilet bowl and the ceiling. I also found mold all along the windowsills. The tile in our shower started falling off due to the dampness and right before we moved out, we had issues with termites. I remember getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and having termites flying around attacking me. We told the landlord and he did have a new shower wall installed. But nothing was done about the mold; he just told me to buy a bottle of mold/mildew spray and clean everything really well. We were constantly sick while living there.
At that time, my husband was laid-off from his job so we made the decision to move in with my parents until we could get back on our feet. We didn't know what else to do..I was attending college full-time and my husband was told that it would be at least a year until his electrical union could find him more work. I am truely thankful that my parent's let us move in with them, but it was the worst 6 months of my life. My parents live in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom trailer. The only positive was that we had our own bathroom with our own shower. My parents obviously had a larger bedroom with a master bath. Our bedroom was probably the size of a jail cell (seriously) and the bathroom was so small that the sink was right next to the toilet that was right next to the tub and there was room for nothing else. We put a set of bunk beds in the bedroom and one dresser and the bedroom was FULL. My parents also had a couch with a pull-out bed so we used that. We would rotate sleeping areas..one night I would sleep on the pull-out bed with my daughter, my husband would have the bottom bunk and my son the top bunk etc. I remember there were times that we would just get in our car and drive with nowhere to go because we couldn't stand being in such a confined space. And while we lived there, my two brothers would come over just about every night to eat supper...and they would stay until 10-11pm. And since we had to sleep in the living room on the pull-out couch, we couldn't go to bed until they left. And we felt bad about saying anything to them because it wasn't our house but finally we had to tell them that by 9pm they had to leave so we could get our kids to bed. And since my husband wasn't working, we were getting food stamps and my brothers would come over while we were gone at college during the day, and eat all of our food. Or we would use our food to make supper for my parents and us and my brothers would stop by and eat our food too. We finally had to lock all our groceries in our car during the day. It was frustrating and we had a lot of arguments because we only received $300/month for food for US (4 people) not the whole family so we were always running out of food. But once my husband started receiving unemployment checks, we did pay my parents a small amount of money for rent and electric..plus we did ALL of the cleaning since my parents both worked. We made sure their house was spotless. But we could only last 6 months there..it was just too small and there were so many arguements that we had to leave.
So we moved to a smaller town down the road into government-assisted apartments. The positive: the apartments were very well-kept, had AC unit in wall, at first we had to pay rent but then received a voucher to where we were paying 0 rent, they gave us a voucher for our electric so we only had to pay maybe $20/mo electric. The negative: only 2 bedroom so my son & daughter shared a room, and everyone around us were smokers so our apartment smelled like smoke and my daughter was having asthma attacks due to the smoke. So we lived there for a year and then moved, mainly because of the cigarette smoke.
And here we are at our current place. Back when I was in the LPN program, my instructor asked if I would tutor another student who wasn't doing so well. I tutored him through the whole program and wouldn't take any money for helping him. So he heard about us wanting to leave the apartments we were in and said that his dad had a place for rent, in the area that we wanted, and he gave us a really good deal on the rent. The house that this student lived in with his parents was beautiful brick well-kept house so I didn't think that the place we were going to rent would be anything less. We came over to walk through the place and the previous renter was there, along with our landlord. The previous renter was acting a little weird and said she had to leave quickly because she was getting packed to go to Florida. So the landlord wrote her a check for her deposit and she left. The landlord walked around and then opened the fridge..he said "The fridge is dirty." I didn't look in it, I just said, "I'll clean all the appliances before we use them" WELL..it took me 3 HOURS to clean the fridge. The previous renter had left old food, honey packets that exploded all over the pull-out drawers, syrup that had hardened all over the shelves etc. Plus, the previous renter told the landlord she would shampoo the carpets before leaving and she didn't..she hadn't even vacuumed the floors. It took me 3-4 days to do all of the cleaning. Come to find out, the previous renter is the head of the cafeteria at my daughter's school..uhm I'm not a person to judge but if the place looked like that and she deals with kids' meals..I would have been embarrassed to leave a place that I rented in that condition..
And it was an awkward situation because we had already given our 30 day notice at the apartments and since I was friends with the landlord's son I didn't want to jeopardize that relationship. (During the time I was tutoring him, I had talked a little with him about the Lord and found that he had a bad experience when he went to church as a youth. And there was someone he worked with who told him she was a Christian but then all she did was gossip and treat people badly and this had turned him off of God. So I felt like God had placed him in my path for a reason.) So I didn't want to start complaining about the extra cleaning that I did and act rudely. But I did mention to the landlord's son that it took me 3 hours to clean the fridge, hoping that he might give us some of our $200 deposit back for the time & supplies I used. But nothing happened.
Then, right after we moved in, we noticed that in front of the bathroom sink the floor was soft. And over a week's time, the soft spot grew larger. We told the landlord and he said that he would come look at it on a Friday...we stayed home all day Friday and he never showed. He called on Sunday and said that he was sick on Friday, that he had a couple things to do the rest of the weekend but would stop by on Tuesday, never showed. He kept doing this so finally my husband pulled up the linoleum and was planning on cutting a piece of wood to replace the soft spot. Well, the problem ended up being huge. My husband and brother got to looking around and saw that there had been a slow water leak right off the main water heater pipe for who knows how long. The whole area under our kitchen sink and cabinets was standing water, with holes all over the floor AND huge rat droppings everywhere. They called the landlord and he said THAT HE WAS BUSY AND COULDN'T MAKE IT OVER UNTIL THE NEXT DAY! So my husband and brother repaired the water leak but couldn't do anything with the standing water and holes in the floors. So right now, we still have a mess under our bathroom sink/cabinets and a huge hole in front of our bathroom sink. I actually FELL THROUGH the hole in the floor one morning when I was going to the bathroom because we had a rug covering the soft spot but when I put my weight on it, I fell through. So now we have a board and rug covering the area and have to walk around it. It's been like this for 2+ months now!! And we don't have the money to fix the floor or else we would do that and deduct it from the rent. But the whole bathroom needs gutted and redone..the floor by the tub is getting soft, the seal around the toilet is bad because we have standing water behind the toilet on the floor, that I am constantly mopping up. And there are huge gaps between the bottom of the tub and the floor..since we live out in the country, I am very worried about mice and rats getting through all of these holes. And our landlord does not communicate anything with us, but I think that he doesn't have the money to fix anything right now. I've seen certain things that lead me to believe that he is struggling financially. And I feel bad because I've been there and my husband says "We need to just give him a deadline to fix everything." And I agree (but my husband won't say anything to our landlord, I would have to) but saying that will not help anything..if he doesn't have the money, he doesn't have the money.
PLUS we were told that the central air works when we moved in. During spring, we didn't use the air because of the cooler weather but once it got really warm, we tried the air and it didn't cool anything down. And we can't just open the windows because they are old trailer windows where most of the screens are missing or damaged and the windows can't be opened. We have one window in our bedroom that can open, one in the hallway and one in the living room. Everything else is closed up. Thankfully we have a sliding door in the living room but it's old, moldy and sticks badly..plus the screen falls off the sliding door whenever we try to open it. We are using two little box fans--one in the living room and one in the hallway to TRY and cool everything off. And right now, I'm sitting here sweating SOO badly..I walked outside and it feels 30 degrees cooler outside than inside this place.
And I'm ticked off..seriously! I'm mad that we are stuck in another CRAPPY place! I'm so mad that I don't want to take a shower because in 20 minutes I'm going to need another one. I'm mad that all we can find are 2 bedroom places and my kids have to share a bedroom AGAIN. My daughter is 9, which is the age I was when I started menstruating and so I want her to have her own bedroom and privacy..and she doesn't have either in this tiny place. I'm mad because I have tried my best to focus on God and serve Him for 8 years now and I feel we deserve better than this! I'm mad because my husband is still laid off and his unemployment has run out and we don't know if he'll get an extension, so we have no income right now and we don't have hardly any gas in our vehicles..and yesterday I drove to Bath for a baby shower, and then Elida for a grad party and then Wapak for a grad party..and had no gas to drive to church!! and I have my nursing degree and have applied and applied and applied for jobs and heard nothing back. And I'm mad because it seems like everyone we know has so much and I'm fed up with it! And I'm not a material-person at all..I just want a house that functions properly and doesn't have mold or rats or things falling apart. I don't care about anything else..I don't need a brand new car or tons of money or brand new clothes! uggggggghhhhhhhhhh!
I was talking to my husband today and I told him that we need to look for another place to live..I can't stand sitting here bathed in sweat with no breeze coming through..but we have no income so we can't just go rent a place. We have just enough money in our savings to pay July's rent and that's it! And I'm thanking God and I know that He is our Provider but I hate this living penny to penny and waiting and waiting. It's like Why do some people (especially those who aren't Christians) appear to have it so easy? I am NOT perfect, but I am constantly thinking/saying "Lord, what does Your Word say about this or that?" I am trying my best to live a life that is pleasing to God. ughh I can't even type anything else, I'm so frustrated.
I'm frustrated because every place we have lived in since marriage has had issues and been below average. Our very first apartment had central air (++++) but we had very loud neighbors above us; we lived there for a year. Then we moved into a trailer when my daughter was around 10 months old. The trailer had 3 BR & 1 1/2 bath, which was great, but the furnace didn't work very well and we didn't have the money to fix it (we owned the trailer) So we had windown AC units during summer but during the winter we LIVED in the living room. We had to block off one hallway by nailing a blanket up to block off cold air..and we did the same on the other hallway past where the kitchen was. We used oil-filled space heaters that barely kept it warm enough. I can remember when my son was born I slept on one couch, my husband slept in the recliner, and our daughter slept on the other couch..our son's crib was crammed in the living room and we had two space heaters plugged in. I worried so much about my kids not being warm enough, especially my newborn son but there was no other option. And after I had my son, family & friends wanted to stop by and visit, so we would have to take the blankets down from the hallways, turn the oven on and leave the oven door open for awhile before people stopped by..to make it warmer in there. It was embarrassing. We lived there for almost 4 years.
After the trailer, we moved to an older farm house in the country. We loved that the house was huge and had beautiful wooden floors etc BUT the house was old and very damp. We couldn't use the basement because mold was everywhere down there, although our washer/dryer hookup was in the basement. Our one bathroom was also very damp and I found mold growing around the toilet bowl and the ceiling. I also found mold all along the windowsills. The tile in our shower started falling off due to the dampness and right before we moved out, we had issues with termites. I remember getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and having termites flying around attacking me. We told the landlord and he did have a new shower wall installed. But nothing was done about the mold; he just told me to buy a bottle of mold/mildew spray and clean everything really well. We were constantly sick while living there.
At that time, my husband was laid-off from his job so we made the decision to move in with my parents until we could get back on our feet. We didn't know what else to do..I was attending college full-time and my husband was told that it would be at least a year until his electrical union could find him more work. I am truely thankful that my parent's let us move in with them, but it was the worst 6 months of my life. My parents live in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom trailer. The only positive was that we had our own bathroom with our own shower. My parents obviously had a larger bedroom with a master bath. Our bedroom was probably the size of a jail cell (seriously) and the bathroom was so small that the sink was right next to the toilet that was right next to the tub and there was room for nothing else. We put a set of bunk beds in the bedroom and one dresser and the bedroom was FULL. My parents also had a couch with a pull-out bed so we used that. We would rotate sleeping areas..one night I would sleep on the pull-out bed with my daughter, my husband would have the bottom bunk and my son the top bunk etc. I remember there were times that we would just get in our car and drive with nowhere to go because we couldn't stand being in such a confined space. And while we lived there, my two brothers would come over just about every night to eat supper...and they would stay until 10-11pm. And since we had to sleep in the living room on the pull-out couch, we couldn't go to bed until they left. And we felt bad about saying anything to them because it wasn't our house but finally we had to tell them that by 9pm they had to leave so we could get our kids to bed. And since my husband wasn't working, we were getting food stamps and my brothers would come over while we were gone at college during the day, and eat all of our food. Or we would use our food to make supper for my parents and us and my brothers would stop by and eat our food too. We finally had to lock all our groceries in our car during the day. It was frustrating and we had a lot of arguments because we only received $300/month for food for US (4 people) not the whole family so we were always running out of food. But once my husband started receiving unemployment checks, we did pay my parents a small amount of money for rent and electric..plus we did ALL of the cleaning since my parents both worked. We made sure their house was spotless. But we could only last 6 months there..it was just too small and there were so many arguements that we had to leave.
So we moved to a smaller town down the road into government-assisted apartments. The positive: the apartments were very well-kept, had AC unit in wall, at first we had to pay rent but then received a voucher to where we were paying 0 rent, they gave us a voucher for our electric so we only had to pay maybe $20/mo electric. The negative: only 2 bedroom so my son & daughter shared a room, and everyone around us were smokers so our apartment smelled like smoke and my daughter was having asthma attacks due to the smoke. So we lived there for a year and then moved, mainly because of the cigarette smoke.
And here we are at our current place. Back when I was in the LPN program, my instructor asked if I would tutor another student who wasn't doing so well. I tutored him through the whole program and wouldn't take any money for helping him. So he heard about us wanting to leave the apartments we were in and said that his dad had a place for rent, in the area that we wanted, and he gave us a really good deal on the rent. The house that this student lived in with his parents was beautiful brick well-kept house so I didn't think that the place we were going to rent would be anything less. We came over to walk through the place and the previous renter was there, along with our landlord. The previous renter was acting a little weird and said she had to leave quickly because she was getting packed to go to Florida. So the landlord wrote her a check for her deposit and she left. The landlord walked around and then opened the fridge..he said "The fridge is dirty." I didn't look in it, I just said, "I'll clean all the appliances before we use them" WELL..it took me 3 HOURS to clean the fridge. The previous renter had left old food, honey packets that exploded all over the pull-out drawers, syrup that had hardened all over the shelves etc. Plus, the previous renter told the landlord she would shampoo the carpets before leaving and she didn't..she hadn't even vacuumed the floors. It took me 3-4 days to do all of the cleaning. Come to find out, the previous renter is the head of the cafeteria at my daughter's school..uhm I'm not a person to judge but if the place looked like that and she deals with kids' meals..I would have been embarrassed to leave a place that I rented in that condition..
And it was an awkward situation because we had already given our 30 day notice at the apartments and since I was friends with the landlord's son I didn't want to jeopardize that relationship. (During the time I was tutoring him, I had talked a little with him about the Lord and found that he had a bad experience when he went to church as a youth. And there was someone he worked with who told him she was a Christian but then all she did was gossip and treat people badly and this had turned him off of God. So I felt like God had placed him in my path for a reason.) So I didn't want to start complaining about the extra cleaning that I did and act rudely. But I did mention to the landlord's son that it took me 3 hours to clean the fridge, hoping that he might give us some of our $200 deposit back for the time & supplies I used. But nothing happened.
Then, right after we moved in, we noticed that in front of the bathroom sink the floor was soft. And over a week's time, the soft spot grew larger. We told the landlord and he said that he would come look at it on a Friday...we stayed home all day Friday and he never showed. He called on Sunday and said that he was sick on Friday, that he had a couple things to do the rest of the weekend but would stop by on Tuesday, never showed. He kept doing this so finally my husband pulled up the linoleum and was planning on cutting a piece of wood to replace the soft spot. Well, the problem ended up being huge. My husband and brother got to looking around and saw that there had been a slow water leak right off the main water heater pipe for who knows how long. The whole area under our kitchen sink and cabinets was standing water, with holes all over the floor AND huge rat droppings everywhere. They called the landlord and he said THAT HE WAS BUSY AND COULDN'T MAKE IT OVER UNTIL THE NEXT DAY! So my husband and brother repaired the water leak but couldn't do anything with the standing water and holes in the floors. So right now, we still have a mess under our bathroom sink/cabinets and a huge hole in front of our bathroom sink. I actually FELL THROUGH the hole in the floor one morning when I was going to the bathroom because we had a rug covering the soft spot but when I put my weight on it, I fell through. So now we have a board and rug covering the area and have to walk around it. It's been like this for 2+ months now!! And we don't have the money to fix the floor or else we would do that and deduct it from the rent. But the whole bathroom needs gutted and redone..the floor by the tub is getting soft, the seal around the toilet is bad because we have standing water behind the toilet on the floor, that I am constantly mopping up. And there are huge gaps between the bottom of the tub and the floor..since we live out in the country, I am very worried about mice and rats getting through all of these holes. And our landlord does not communicate anything with us, but I think that he doesn't have the money to fix anything right now. I've seen certain things that lead me to believe that he is struggling financially. And I feel bad because I've been there and my husband says "We need to just give him a deadline to fix everything." And I agree (but my husband won't say anything to our landlord, I would have to) but saying that will not help anything..if he doesn't have the money, he doesn't have the money.
PLUS we were told that the central air works when we moved in. During spring, we didn't use the air because of the cooler weather but once it got really warm, we tried the air and it didn't cool anything down. And we can't just open the windows because they are old trailer windows where most of the screens are missing or damaged and the windows can't be opened. We have one window in our bedroom that can open, one in the hallway and one in the living room. Everything else is closed up. Thankfully we have a sliding door in the living room but it's old, moldy and sticks badly..plus the screen falls off the sliding door whenever we try to open it. We are using two little box fans--one in the living room and one in the hallway to TRY and cool everything off. And right now, I'm sitting here sweating SOO badly..I walked outside and it feels 30 degrees cooler outside than inside this place.
And I'm ticked off..seriously! I'm mad that we are stuck in another CRAPPY place! I'm so mad that I don't want to take a shower because in 20 minutes I'm going to need another one. I'm mad that all we can find are 2 bedroom places and my kids have to share a bedroom AGAIN. My daughter is 9, which is the age I was when I started menstruating and so I want her to have her own bedroom and privacy..and she doesn't have either in this tiny place. I'm mad because I have tried my best to focus on God and serve Him for 8 years now and I feel we deserve better than this! I'm mad because my husband is still laid off and his unemployment has run out and we don't know if he'll get an extension, so we have no income right now and we don't have hardly any gas in our vehicles..and yesterday I drove to Bath for a baby shower, and then Elida for a grad party and then Wapak for a grad party..and had no gas to drive to church!! and I have my nursing degree and have applied and applied and applied for jobs and heard nothing back. And I'm mad because it seems like everyone we know has so much and I'm fed up with it! And I'm not a material-person at all..I just want a house that functions properly and doesn't have mold or rats or things falling apart. I don't care about anything else..I don't need a brand new car or tons of money or brand new clothes! uggggggghhhhhhhhhh!
I was talking to my husband today and I told him that we need to look for another place to live..I can't stand sitting here bathed in sweat with no breeze coming through..but we have no income so we can't just go rent a place. We have just enough money in our savings to pay July's rent and that's it! And I'm thanking God and I know that He is our Provider but I hate this living penny to penny and waiting and waiting. It's like Why do some people (especially those who aren't Christians) appear to have it so easy? I am NOT perfect, but I am constantly thinking/saying "Lord, what does Your Word say about this or that?" I am trying my best to live a life that is pleasing to God. ughh I can't even type anything else, I'm so frustrated.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I will praise You in this storm..
yet another Ichthus band
Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" video
Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" lyrics
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Casting Crowns "If We Are the Body" video
Casting Crowns "If We are the Body" lyrics
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in, trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
Jesus is the way
Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" video
Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" lyrics
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of the boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what i would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand befoe a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the gian't calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on tell me
Time and time again "boy, you'll neve win!
"You'll never win"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" video
Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" lyrics
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Casting Crowns "If We Are the Body" video
Casting Crowns "If We are the Body" lyrics
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in, trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
Jesus is the way
Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" video
Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" lyrics
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of the boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what i would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand befoe a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the gian't calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on tell me
Time and time again "boy, you'll neve win!
"You'll never win"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I wanna breathe You in..
*Another band from Ichthus*
Thousand Foot Krutch (TFK) "Breathe You In" acoustic video
TFK "Breathe You In" lyrics
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressure's on, need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek You out
And be myself, not impersonate
I've tried so hard, to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on, and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
I wanna breathe You in
I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't, let them take me
I've tried so hard, to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on, and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe
Took awhile to see, all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows, there's a truth that I've known
And it's You
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe
I wanna breathe You in
TFK "This is a Call" live video
TFK "This is a Call" lyrics
She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this
She's calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about
And he tells everyone a story,
'Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
'Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
'Cause he's starting to get nervous
He's calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about
Have you ever felt this way before
'Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
'Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone
I'm calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
Thousand Foot Krutch (TFK) "Breathe You In" acoustic video
TFK "Breathe You In" lyrics
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressure's on, need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek You out
And be myself, not impersonate
I've tried so hard, to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on, and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
I wanna breathe You in
I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't, let them take me
I've tried so hard, to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on, and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe
Took awhile to see, all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows, there's a truth that I've known
And it's You
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe
I wanna breathe You in
TFK "This is a Call" live video
TFK "This is a Call" lyrics
She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this
She's calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about
And he tells everyone a story,
'Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
'Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
'Cause he's starting to get nervous
He's calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about
Have you ever felt this way before
'Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
'Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone
I'm calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
the character of those who may dwell with the Lord..
Psalm 15 (New King James)
"Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle?
Who may dwell in Your holy hill?
He who walks uprightly,
And works righteousness,
And speaks the truth in his heart;
He who does not backbite with his tongue,
Nor does evil to his neighbor,
Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend;
In whose eyes a vile person is despised,
But he honors those who fear the Lord;
He who swears to his own hurt and does not change;
He who does not put out his money at usury,
Nor does he take a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things shall never be moved."
Psalm 15 (The Message)
"God, who gets invited to dinner at your place?
How do we get on your guest list?
"Walk straight,
act right,
tell the truth.
"Don't hurt your friend,
don't blame your neighbor;
despise the despicable.
"Keep your word even when it costs you,
make an honest living,
never take a bribe.
"You'll never get
blacklisted
if you live like this."
"Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle?
Who may dwell in Your holy hill?
He who walks uprightly,
And works righteousness,
And speaks the truth in his heart;
He who does not backbite with his tongue,
Nor does evil to his neighbor,
Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend;
In whose eyes a vile person is despised,
But he honors those who fear the Lord;
He who swears to his own hurt and does not change;
He who does not put out his money at usury,
Nor does he take a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things shall never be moved."
Psalm 15 (The Message)
"God, who gets invited to dinner at your place?
How do we get on your guest list?
"Walk straight,
act right,
tell the truth.
"Don't hurt your friend,
don't blame your neighbor;
despise the despicable.
"Keep your word even when it costs you,
make an honest living,
never take a bribe.
"You'll never get
blacklisted
if you live like this."
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