The beginning of my journey

"The Real Me"...

I chose this as the name of my blog for several reasons. First, there is a song that I like called "The Real Me" by Natalie Grant that has spoken to me and my situation (I'll post the lyrics below). Second, I feel that a person can get lost in everything around them (their situation, circumstances, negative thoughts, what others think) becoming someone they don't want to be...and that's where I am right now. I'm not saying that I'm a fake person or anything like that but I've lost the "real" me..the "confident, happy, energetic, knowing that I am a called loved highly-favored child of God" me. I've listened to the lies of the enemy, telling me that I'm ugly..not good enough..the list goes on and on. The third reason that I chose the title "The Real Me" is because that is what I'm going to be with this blog: REAL. I'm going to be honest and open at all times.

The other night, as I was lying in bed, the thought of starting my own blog crossed my mind. I thought of how I'm disappointed with myself and where I am, in several areas of my life. I thought of how I often hold things in and keep things to myself, and how pouring everything out in this blog will help in that area. I thought of all of the health problems I've been going through over the past two years and how this blog will serve as the testimony of the healing that is coming my way. I thought back to past times when I would sit and worship the Lord for hours, letting nothing distract me and feeling so full of joy. And now I can't even raise my hands or sit through a worship service without distracting, negative thoughts stealing that joy...and how I NEED that joy back. I've thought about how my relationship with God isn't where I want it to be and how this blog will help to open my eyes to better be accountable to that.

One of the many health issues I've been dealing with is extreme fatigue. I have had countless blood draws to rule out disease or disorder (all were negative), along with trying several medications to no avail. What the fatigue means for me, is that I need to take several naps or have several rest periods each day. I can vacuum the living room carpet and then feel the need to take a nap afterwards. And little exercise or activity- along with medication side effects- means I have gained weight. So that is another issue that I'm dealing with right now. I refuse to buy bigger clothes because I don't plan on staying this size. I would rather groan and grunt to button my smaller size jeans or pull on a pair of sweats. It's very frustrating and disappointing as I've NEVER had to worry about my weight. I honestly dread going out in public and pray that I don't see anyone that I know. I am so self-conscious right now and disappointed in how I look.

So even though I am so tired that I can't even imagine getting up to exercise, I know that I HAVE TO! No one else can do this for me. I can sit back and feel sorry for myself and continue down the same path I am in, until even stretchy pants won't fit me. Or I can get up and MOVE..exercise..walk..SOMETHING. And I know that it's taken me a good 6 months or so to get this way..and it will take time to get back to where I was. And I know I'll have good days and bad days..but I've got to start! So this is my promise that I will try my hardest to eat healthier and get off the couch, as HARD as it may be.

Through this all, I KNOW that HE cares and sees the REAL me..

YouTube "The Real Me" video:





Natalie Grant - "The Real Me"

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me