hurt again, when will this end?

I'm sitting here now contemplating and thinking through a lot of things. My husband and I got into a huge fight and he left with our son awhile ago. I just can't do this anymore. My husband made the comment a couple night ago about how I'm the one who pulls him in when he is going out too far..and that's a lot to put on another person. Because I am constantly pulling him back to the shore and it's tiring; it takes my focus off of so many other things when I have to keep track of what he's doing or not doing and how far out he's gone. He's a grown adult and he needs to start realizing that. I already have so much on my shoulders..I cook, I clean, I go to college, I do it all for everyone. And if he read this, he would probably laugh and tell me that I don't do anything. He can say very hurtful, mean things to me and his defense mechanism is to either say "Whatever" and run away or turn the table and make me look bad to make himself look better. And I already am going through so much..I have such low self-esteem right now and he never gives me positive comments. I don't get a thank-you for the housework I do, or a "Dinner was great". I have never heard from him that I look nice unless we're in bed. It's always been about him and I've sat back and kept my mouth shut. If he wants to eat a certain something, we eat it. If he wants to go here, we go there. If he wants to have sex, we do. If I want to, he's too tired. And when I try to voice my opinion about something, it's wrong and he throws a fit. I've tried to talk to him about this but he just says it's not true and it's my fault. It has ALWAYS been about him. And I've sat back for years and kept my mouth shut. I've put my desires and needs and wants on the back burner, which is okay because it's not about me...but every once in awhile, I want it to be about me..for just a split second!

Well today, our son had been sitting on the couch watching tv for awhile and I didn't want him to continue sitting there not being active. My husband was back in our bedroom watching tv (he's there 90% of the time) and I was on the living room couch typing up my previous blog. I asked my husband if he would take our son down to my parent's house to swim and my husband told me "No, I don't want to go to your parent's house." I understand that there are a lot of people there but it would cool our son off and give him something to do. So I finished my blog and then went back to our bedroom. I made the comment that he never does anything with our son and that he needs to spend time with him and play with him. So he yells at me, "What do you do with him? You're just on the computer all the time! I'm leaving!" So I tried running after him and asked him to come back in the bedroom so we could talk; he told me no. So I waited until he got our son dressed and said, "We need to talk. I'm sick of this. I can't discuss anything with you because you won't listen and it becomes a huge fight. I need to talk to you."

And so he kept telling me no as I was trying to explain the importance of him being a good male role model for our son and spending time with him outside or doing things. Because I know what it's like: my dad was never around growing up..he always was at work or on the computer. I missed out on all those things growing up and it greatly affected me. And he again wouldn't listen to me so I became furious and said "You're lazy. You lay back in the bed the whole day, you collect unemployment but won't go look for a job and I'm sick of it." And he replied "I'm going to college (he takes two online classes and has most of the day free). You've had your degree for a year now and still aren't working." I said "I'm trying to find a job." He said "No you're not. You could have had a job by now. Plus, you're always complaining that you're sick. If you're so sick, how's come they haven't found anything wrong with your bloodwork?" And I just start crying. That was a slap in the face. I probably shouldn't have said it the way I did about his unemployment but come on!! He has been laid off for 2 YEARS and I have kept my mouth shut for 2 YEARS!! How can a husband..a head of the household..be okay with not working and providing for his family? He could be doing electrical side work but instead he sits by and watches us eat grilled cheese and ramen noodles because we have hardly any food. He sits by and watches us scrape together enough money for rent and electric each month. I can't imagine just sitting back and being okay with that. And it's frustrating because I have been going through a lot of physical problems but I'm still looking for a job. I have applied at both local hospitals several times for positions posted online and at a couple doctor's offices but have not heard anything back. It's hard being a newly graduated nurse because people hiring want 2-5 years experience and I have no experience in the field.

But I can't..I won't..continue to be treated like this. My husband and I don't communicate at all. He is always in the bedroom watching tv and I stay in the living room with the kids. When he gets his unemployment money (they put it on a debit card) the card stays in his wallet and I never see any of the money, unless it's for groceries. I can't sit down and budget because I don't have access to the card and it's spent before I know it. I desperately want a job, that way I can have access to that money, budget, and use it to pay bills on time instead of trying to scrape together enough money last minute for the bills, after my husband has bought what he wants.

I never dreamed that marriage would be like this. I didn't think it would be easy, but I didn't picture this. I guess that's one negative to not really knowing someone well before getting married. My husband and I dated 3 months before I was pregnant and then got married when I was 7 months along. We knew nothing about each other and had hardly any time to get to know each other before our daughter was born. But I'm to the point now, where I have put on a fake smile and "grinned and bared it" for much too long. I'm tired of getting pushed aside and being a "single parent" for so long. When my husband was working, he wouldn't help out with housework or play with the kids because he had worked 40 hours, was tired, and I wasn't working outside of the house. When he got laid off, his excuse was that he was collecting unemployment, which when he averaged it out, equaled out to a $10/hr job. And just last week was his last unemployment check (we're hoping he gets an extension so we can pay bills) so I don't know what the excuse will be now. Even though I have low self-esteem, I still believe that I deserve to be told I'm special and to be treated nicely. But the funny thing is, I don't want to be with anyone else. After going through all of this for so long, I just want to be by myself. I want to be able to balance a checkbook again and put money in a savings account without it getting taken out. I want to be able to pay off bills BEFORE they're due. I just want to be alone with just the kids. But then I don't because I would worry about them and how they were being taken care of, if we were separated. I want to start working on myself..building myself back up..and feeling good about myself. And I want to have a better relationship with God..where I can focus on Him and not have to keep dragging my husband behind me to keep him on track. LORD, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!