prayer request

I received an email earlier tonight asking for prayers. The mother of a youth that went with us to Ichthus, passed away today suddenly. I didn't know the family but was told that the father is the Pastor of a local church and there were four children in the family. Please pray for the family at this difficult time. The other prayer request is for the mother of a girl I used to go to high school with. According to the email, the mother was riding her bike while on vacation and was hit by a car. She was then life-flighted with head injuries. Please pray for her healing and for her family.

After reading these emails, I became angry with myself. Here I am worrying about stupid things and becoming frustrated over little petty things, when there are four children without a mother and another family who are praying for their family member to recover. If nothing else, I need to stop and be thankful that I have a husband and children who are alive and fairly healthy. I need to be thankful that I have a roof over my head, even if it's not the most desirable home. I need to be thankful that I woke up this morning and can walk without a wheelchair or cane. I need to be thankful that I can see and hear and talk. I need to be thankful for the food I have, even if we've been eating a ton of grilled cheese sandwiches and peanut butter & jellys. I have sooo much to be thankful for!!

hurt again, when will this end?

I'm sitting here now contemplating and thinking through a lot of things. My husband and I got into a huge fight and he left with our son awhile ago. I just can't do this anymore. My husband made the comment a couple night ago about how I'm the one who pulls him in when he is going out too far..and that's a lot to put on another person. Because I am constantly pulling him back to the shore and it's tiring; it takes my focus off of so many other things when I have to keep track of what he's doing or not doing and how far out he's gone. He's a grown adult and he needs to start realizing that. I already have so much on my shoulders..I cook, I clean, I go to college, I do it all for everyone. And if he read this, he would probably laugh and tell me that I don't do anything. He can say very hurtful, mean things to me and his defense mechanism is to either say "Whatever" and run away or turn the table and make me look bad to make himself look better. And I already am going through so much..I have such low self-esteem right now and he never gives me positive comments. I don't get a thank-you for the housework I do, or a "Dinner was great". I have never heard from him that I look nice unless we're in bed. It's always been about him and I've sat back and kept my mouth shut. If he wants to eat a certain something, we eat it. If he wants to go here, we go there. If he wants to have sex, we do. If I want to, he's too tired. And when I try to voice my opinion about something, it's wrong and he throws a fit. I've tried to talk to him about this but he just says it's not true and it's my fault. It has ALWAYS been about him. And I've sat back for years and kept my mouth shut. I've put my desires and needs and wants on the back burner, which is okay because it's not about me...but every once in awhile, I want it to be about me..for just a split second!

Well today, our son had been sitting on the couch watching tv for awhile and I didn't want him to continue sitting there not being active. My husband was back in our bedroom watching tv (he's there 90% of the time) and I was on the living room couch typing up my previous blog. I asked my husband if he would take our son down to my parent's house to swim and my husband told me "No, I don't want to go to your parent's house." I understand that there are a lot of people there but it would cool our son off and give him something to do. So I finished my blog and then went back to our bedroom. I made the comment that he never does anything with our son and that he needs to spend time with him and play with him. So he yells at me, "What do you do with him? You're just on the computer all the time! I'm leaving!" So I tried running after him and asked him to come back in the bedroom so we could talk; he told me no. So I waited until he got our son dressed and said, "We need to talk. I'm sick of this. I can't discuss anything with you because you won't listen and it becomes a huge fight. I need to talk to you."

And so he kept telling me no as I was trying to explain the importance of him being a good male role model for our son and spending time with him outside or doing things. Because I know what it's like: my dad was never around growing up..he always was at work or on the computer. I missed out on all those things growing up and it greatly affected me. And he again wouldn't listen to me so I became furious and said "You're lazy. You lay back in the bed the whole day, you collect unemployment but won't go look for a job and I'm sick of it." And he replied "I'm going to college (he takes two online classes and has most of the day free). You've had your degree for a year now and still aren't working." I said "I'm trying to find a job." He said "No you're not. You could have had a job by now. Plus, you're always complaining that you're sick. If you're so sick, how's come they haven't found anything wrong with your bloodwork?" And I just start crying. That was a slap in the face. I probably shouldn't have said it the way I did about his unemployment but come on!! He has been laid off for 2 YEARS and I have kept my mouth shut for 2 YEARS!! How can a husband..a head of the household..be okay with not working and providing for his family? He could be doing electrical side work but instead he sits by and watches us eat grilled cheese and ramen noodles because we have hardly any food. He sits by and watches us scrape together enough money for rent and electric each month. I can't imagine just sitting back and being okay with that. And it's frustrating because I have been going through a lot of physical problems but I'm still looking for a job. I have applied at both local hospitals several times for positions posted online and at a couple doctor's offices but have not heard anything back. It's hard being a newly graduated nurse because people hiring want 2-5 years experience and I have no experience in the field.

But I can't..I won't..continue to be treated like this. My husband and I don't communicate at all. He is always in the bedroom watching tv and I stay in the living room with the kids. When he gets his unemployment money (they put it on a debit card) the card stays in his wallet and I never see any of the money, unless it's for groceries. I can't sit down and budget because I don't have access to the card and it's spent before I know it. I desperately want a job, that way I can have access to that money, budget, and use it to pay bills on time instead of trying to scrape together enough money last minute for the bills, after my husband has bought what he wants.

I never dreamed that marriage would be like this. I didn't think it would be easy, but I didn't picture this. I guess that's one negative to not really knowing someone well before getting married. My husband and I dated 3 months before I was pregnant and then got married when I was 7 months along. We knew nothing about each other and had hardly any time to get to know each other before our daughter was born. But I'm to the point now, where I have put on a fake smile and "grinned and bared it" for much too long. I'm tired of getting pushed aside and being a "single parent" for so long. When my husband was working, he wouldn't help out with housework or play with the kids because he had worked 40 hours, was tired, and I wasn't working outside of the house. When he got laid off, his excuse was that he was collecting unemployment, which when he averaged it out, equaled out to a $10/hr job. And just last week was his last unemployment check (we're hoping he gets an extension so we can pay bills) so I don't know what the excuse will be now. Even though I have low self-esteem, I still believe that I deserve to be told I'm special and to be treated nicely. But the funny thing is, I don't want to be with anyone else. After going through all of this for so long, I just want to be by myself. I want to be able to balance a checkbook again and put money in a savings account without it getting taken out. I want to be able to pay off bills BEFORE they're due. I just want to be alone with just the kids. But then I don't because I would worry about them and how they were being taken care of, if we were separated. I want to start working on myself..building myself back up..and feeling good about myself. And I want to have a better relationship with God..where I can focus on Him and not have to keep dragging my husband behind me to keep him on track. LORD, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Lord for the rain we are having here right now. It was 90 degrees on our thermostat inside this trailer, so the rain has cooled things down and we have a nice breeze now. Praying that the rain continues and that the temperature outside drops even more!

I'm so frustrated right now. This blog WILL consist of me complaining, so if you don't want to hear it..don't read on.

I'm frustrated because every place we have lived in since marriage has had issues and been below average. Our very first apartment had central air (++++) but we had very loud neighbors above us; we lived there for a year. Then we moved into a trailer when my daughter was around 10 months old. The trailer had 3 BR & 1 1/2 bath, which was great, but the furnace didn't work very well and we didn't have the money to fix it (we owned the trailer) So we had windown AC units during summer but during the winter we LIVED in the living room. We had to block off one hallway by nailing a blanket up to block off cold air..and we did the same on the other hallway past where the kitchen was. We used oil-filled space heaters that barely kept it warm enough. I can remember when my son was born I slept on one couch, my husband slept in the recliner, and our daughter slept on the other couch..our son's crib was crammed in the living room and we had two space heaters plugged in. I worried so much about my kids not being warm enough, especially my newborn son but there was no other option. And after I had my son, family & friends wanted to stop by and visit, so we would have to take the blankets down from the hallways, turn the oven on and leave the oven door open for awhile before people stopped by..to make it warmer in there. It was embarrassing. We lived there for almost 4 years.

After the trailer, we moved to an older farm house in the country. We loved that the house was huge and had beautiful wooden floors etc BUT the house was old and very damp. We couldn't use the basement because mold was everywhere down there, although our washer/dryer hookup was in the basement. Our one bathroom was also very damp and I found mold growing around the toilet bowl and the ceiling. I also found mold all along the windowsills. The tile in our shower started falling off due to the dampness and right before we moved out, we had issues with termites. I remember getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and having termites flying around attacking me. We told the landlord and he did have a new shower wall installed. But nothing was done about the mold; he just told me to buy a bottle of mold/mildew spray and clean everything really well. We were constantly sick while living there.

At that time, my husband was laid-off from his job so we made the decision to move in with my parents until we could get back on our feet. We didn't know what else to do..I was attending college full-time and my husband was told that it would be at least a year until his electrical union could find him more work. I am truely thankful that my parent's let us move in with them, but it was the worst 6 months of my life. My parents live in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom trailer. The only positive was that we had our own bathroom with our own shower. My parents obviously had a larger bedroom with a master bath. Our bedroom was probably the size of a jail cell (seriously) and the bathroom was so small that the sink was right next to the toilet that was right next to the tub and there was room for nothing else. We put a set of bunk beds in the bedroom and one dresser and the bedroom was FULL. My parents also had a couch with a pull-out bed so we used that. We would rotate sleeping areas..one night I would sleep on the pull-out bed with my daughter, my husband would have the bottom bunk and my son the top bunk etc. I remember there were times that we would just get in our car and drive with nowhere to go because we couldn't stand being in such a confined space. And while we lived there, my two brothers would come over just about every night to eat supper...and they would stay until 10-11pm. And since we had to sleep in the living room on the pull-out couch, we couldn't go to bed until they left. And we felt bad about saying anything to them because it wasn't our house but finally we had to tell them that by 9pm they had to leave so we could get our kids to bed. And since my husband wasn't working, we were getting food stamps and my brothers would come over while we were gone at college during the day, and eat all of our food. Or we would use our food to make supper for my parents and us and my brothers would stop by and eat our food too. We finally had to lock all our groceries in our car during the day. It was frustrating and we had a lot of arguments because we only received $300/month for food for US (4 people) not the whole family so we were always running out of food. But once my husband started receiving unemployment checks, we did pay my parents a small amount of money for rent and electric..plus we did ALL of the cleaning since my parents both worked. We made sure their house was spotless. But we could only last 6 months there..it was just too small and there were so many arguements that we had to leave.

So we moved to a smaller town down the road into government-assisted apartments. The positive: the apartments were very well-kept, had AC unit in wall, at first we had to pay rent but then received a voucher to where we were paying 0 rent, they gave us a voucher for our electric so we only had to pay maybe $20/mo electric. The negative: only 2 bedroom so my son & daughter shared a room, and everyone around us were smokers so our apartment smelled like smoke and my daughter was having asthma attacks due to the smoke. So we lived there for a year and then moved, mainly because of the cigarette smoke.

And here we are at our current place. Back when I was in the LPN program, my instructor asked if I would tutor another student who wasn't doing so well. I tutored him through the whole program and wouldn't take any money for helping him. So he heard about us wanting to leave the apartments we were in and said that his dad had a place for rent, in the area that we wanted, and he gave us a really good deal on the rent. The house that this student lived in with his parents was beautiful brick well-kept house so I didn't think that the place we were going to rent would be anything less. We came over to walk through the place and the previous renter was there, along with our landlord. The previous renter was acting a little weird and said she had to leave quickly because she was getting packed to go to Florida. So the landlord wrote her a check for her deposit and she left. The landlord walked around and then opened the fridge..he said "The fridge is dirty." I didn't look in it, I just said, "I'll clean all the appliances before we use them" WELL..it took me 3 HOURS to clean the fridge. The previous renter had left old food, honey packets that exploded all over the pull-out drawers, syrup that had hardened all over the shelves etc. Plus, the previous renter told the landlord she would shampoo the carpets before leaving and she didn't..she hadn't even vacuumed the floors. It took me 3-4 days to do all of the cleaning. Come to find out, the previous renter is the head of the cafeteria at my daughter's school..uhm I'm not a person to judge but if the place looked like that and she deals with kids' meals..I would have been embarrassed to leave a place that I rented in that condition..

And it was an awkward situation because we had already given our 30 day notice at the apartments and since I was friends with the landlord's son I didn't want to jeopardize that relationship. (During the time I was tutoring him, I had talked a little with him about the Lord and found that he had a bad experience when he went to church as a youth. And there was someone he worked with who told him she was a Christian but then all she did was gossip and treat people badly and this had turned him off of God. So I felt like God had placed him in my path for a reason.) So I didn't want to start complaining about the extra cleaning that I did and act rudely. But I did mention to the landlord's son that it took me 3 hours to clean the fridge, hoping that he might give us some of our $200 deposit back for the time & supplies I used. But nothing happened.

Then, right after we moved in, we noticed that in front of the bathroom sink the floor was soft. And over a week's time, the soft spot grew larger. We told the landlord and he said that he would come look at it on a Friday...we stayed home all day Friday and he never showed. He called on Sunday and said that he was sick on Friday, that he had a couple things to do the rest of the weekend but would stop by on Tuesday, never showed. He kept doing this so finally my husband pulled up the linoleum and was planning on cutting a piece of wood to replace the soft spot. Well, the problem ended up being huge. My husband and brother got to looking around and saw that there had been a slow water leak right off the main water heater pipe for who knows how long. The whole area under our kitchen sink and cabinets was standing water, with holes all over the floor AND huge rat droppings everywhere. They called the landlord and he said THAT HE WAS BUSY AND COULDN'T MAKE IT OVER UNTIL THE NEXT DAY! So my husband and brother repaired the water leak but couldn't do anything with the standing water and holes in the floors. So right now, we still have a mess under our bathroom sink/cabinets and a huge hole in front of our bathroom sink. I actually FELL THROUGH the hole in the floor one morning when I was going to the bathroom because we had a rug covering the soft spot but when I put my weight on it, I fell through. So now we have a board and rug covering the area and have to walk around it. It's been like this for 2+ months now!! And we don't have the money to fix the floor or else we would do that and deduct it from the rent. But the whole bathroom needs gutted and redone..the floor by the tub is getting soft, the seal around the toilet is bad because we have standing water behind the toilet on the floor, that I am constantly mopping up. And there are huge gaps between the bottom of the tub and the floor..since we live out in the country, I am very worried about mice and rats getting through all of these holes. And our landlord does not communicate anything with us, but I think that he doesn't have the money to fix anything right now. I've seen certain things that lead me to believe that he is struggling financially. And I feel bad because I've been there and my husband says "We need to just give him a deadline to fix everything." And I agree (but my husband won't say anything to our landlord, I would have to) but saying that will not help anything..if he doesn't have the money, he doesn't have the money.

PLUS we were told that the central air works when we moved in. During spring, we didn't use the air because of the cooler weather but once it got really warm, we tried the air and it didn't cool anything down. And we can't just open the windows because they are old trailer windows where most of the screens are missing or damaged and the windows can't be opened. We have one window in our bedroom that can open, one in the hallway and one in the living room. Everything else is closed up. Thankfully we have a sliding door in the living room but it's old, moldy and sticks badly..plus the screen falls off the sliding door whenever we try to open it. We are using two little box fans--one in the living room and one in the hallway to TRY and cool everything off. And right now, I'm sitting here sweating SOO badly..I walked outside and it feels 30 degrees cooler outside than inside this place.

And I'm ticked off..seriously! I'm mad that we are stuck in another CRAPPY place! I'm so mad that I don't want to take a shower because in 20 minutes I'm going to need another one. I'm mad that all we can find are 2 bedroom places and my kids have to share a bedroom AGAIN. My daughter is 9, which is the age I was when I started menstruating and so I want her to have her own bedroom and privacy..and she doesn't have either in this tiny place. I'm mad because I have tried my best to focus on God and serve Him for 8 years now and I feel we deserve better than this! I'm mad because my husband is still laid off and his unemployment has run out and we don't know if he'll get an extension, so we have no income right now and we don't have hardly any gas in our vehicles..and yesterday I drove to Bath for a baby shower, and then Elida for a grad party and then Wapak for a grad party..and had no gas to drive to church!! and I have my nursing degree and have applied and applied and applied for jobs and heard nothing back. And I'm mad because it seems like everyone we know has so much and I'm fed up with it! And I'm not a material-person at all..I just want a house that functions properly and doesn't have mold or rats or things falling apart. I don't care about anything else..I don't need a brand new car or tons of money or brand new clothes! uggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

I was talking to my husband today and I told him that we need to look for another place to live..I can't stand sitting here bathed in sweat with no breeze coming through..but we have no income so we can't just go rent a place. We have just enough money in our savings to pay July's rent and that's it! And I'm thanking God and I know that He is our Provider but I hate this living penny to penny and waiting and waiting. It's like Why do some people (especially those who aren't Christians) appear to have it so easy? I am NOT perfect, but I am constantly thinking/saying "Lord, what does Your Word say about this or that?" I am trying my best to live a life that is pleasing to God. ughh I can't even type anything else, I'm so frustrated.

I will praise You in this storm..

yet another Ichthus band

Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" video


Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" lyrics

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Casting Crowns "If We Are the Body" video


Casting Crowns "If We are the Body" lyrics

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in, trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road

But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ

Jesus is the way

Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" video


Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" lyrics

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of the boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what i would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand befoe a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the gian't calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on tell me
Time and time again "boy, you'll neve win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I wanna breathe You in..

*Another band from Ichthus*

Thousand Foot Krutch (TFK) "Breathe You In" acoustic video


TFK "Breathe You In" lyrics

Taking hold, breaking in
The pressure's on, need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek You out
And be myself, not impersonate

I've tried so hard, to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on, and on just the same

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
I wanna breathe You in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't, let them take me

I've tried so hard, to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on, and on just the same

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe

Took awhile to see, all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows, there's a truth that I've known
And it's You
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I wanna breathe You in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe
I wanna breathe You in


TFK "This is a Call" live video


TFK "This is a Call" lyrics

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this

She's calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
'Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
'Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
'Cause he's starting to get nervous

He's calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about

Have you ever felt this way before
'Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
'Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone

I'm calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to You
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

the character of those who may dwell with the Lord..

Psalm 15 (New King James)

"Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle?
Who may dwell in Your holy hill?

He who walks uprightly,
And works righteousness,
And speaks the truth in his heart;
He who does not backbite with his tongue,
Nor does evil to his neighbor,
Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend;
In whose eyes a vile person is despised,
But he honors those who fear the Lord;
He who swears to his own hurt and does not change;
He who does not put out his money at usury,
Nor does he take a bribe against the innocent.

He who does these things shall never be moved."


Psalm 15 (The Message)

"God, who gets invited to dinner at your place?
How do we get on your guest list?

"Walk straight,
act right,
tell the truth.

"Don't hurt your friend,
don't blame your neighbor;
despise the despicable.

"Keep your word even when it costs you,
make an honest living,
never take a bribe.

"You'll never get
blacklisted
if you live like this."

TobyMac "Lose My Soul" video


TobyMac "Lose My Soul" lyrics

Father God, I am clay in your hands
Help me to stay that way through all life's demands
'Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me
And every little thing I make up my mind to be
Like I'ma be a daddy whose in the mix
And I'ma be a husband who stays legit
And I pray that I'm an artist who rises above
The road that is wide and filled with self-love
Everything that I see draws me
Though its only in You that I can truly see
That its a feast for the eyes - a low blow to purpose
And I'm a little kid at a three ring circus

I don't wanna to gain the whole world and lose my soul
Don't wanna walk away let me hear the people say
I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul
Don't wanna walk away let me hear the people say

The paparazzi flashes and they think that it's you
But they don't know that who you are is not what you do
True, we get it twisted when we peak at the charts
Yo before we part from the start where's your heart?
You're a pimp, hustler?
Tell me what's your title
America has no more stars now we call them idols
You sit idle
While we teach prosperity
The first thing to prosper should be inside of me
(We're free)
Not because of 22's on a range
But Christ came in range we said yes now we changed
Not the same even though I made a fall
Since I got that call no more Saul now I'm Paul

I don't wanna to gain the whole world and lose my soul
Don't wanna walk away let me hear the people say
I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul
Don't wanna walk away let me hear the people say

How do I sense the tide that's rising?
De-sensitizing me from living in light of eternity
How do I sense the tide that's rising?
It's hypnotizing me from living in light of eternity

We're relying on You
All eyes are on You Lord
All eyes are on You Jesus

Lord forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world that fight for our love and our passion. As our eyes are open wide and on you, grant us the priviledge of your world. And may Your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down.

TobyMac "Catchafire-Whoopsi Daisy" video


TobyMac "Catchafire-Whoopsi Daisy" lyrics

Slackin' off like a bum, I'm feelin' ho hum
I'm feelin' lukewarm like the water in my tub
Started out and we was hot, looked up and now we're not
We had that fire like we was boilin' in a pot

Whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that

Fire, I'm feenin' for a flicker
Then we'll fan the flame up into something bigger
Started out and we was hot, looked up and now we're not
We gonna catch a fire, catch a fire for God

Whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that
Whoopsi-daisy, call me crazy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that

Fire, takin' it from warm to hot
Fire, gonna give it all we got
Whoopsi-daisy, call me crazy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that

They can't see what you got for me
Yo, what you got for me?

Spark to a flame, I'm flippin' up my game
I caught the fire and I'll never be the same
So unexplainable I can't contain it, son
And my retaining it would only be a shame
So let me hear you say

Whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that

Heat, like the Kingston concrete
There ain't no stoppin' the fire
We're straight breakin' ground
There ain't no cooling this thing down
We burnin' up and keep'n it krunk as we know how
Hear me now people

Whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that
Whoopsi-daisy, call me crazy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that

Fire, takin' it from warm to hot
Fire, gotta give it all we got
Fire, whoopsi-daisy, call me crazy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that

Catch a fire let it burn within
Catch a fire let it burn for Him
(Whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy, whoopsi-daisy
Come, we gonna catch that


TobyMac "City on our Knees" audio-only video


TobyMac "City on our Knees" lyrics

If you gotta start somewhere why not here?
If you gotta start sometime why not now?
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It’s all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

If you gotta start somewhere why not here?
If you gotta start sometime why not now?
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It’s all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh-oh-oh

Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
Tonight could last forever
Ooh
Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
As family
We’re family
Oh Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
You and me
Ya, you and me

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide
In a glorious display
Cuz its all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh oh oh

If we gotta start somewhere why not here?
If we gotta start sometime why not now?

Never under-estimate my Jesus..

*I couldn't find good quality live video performances, so these are Relient K singing with lyrics in video.

Relient K "Getting Into You" video


Relient K "For the Moments I Feel Faint" video

You're a God who has all things..and still You want me.

BarlowGirl "I Need You to Love Me" video


BarlowGirl "I Need You to Love Me" lyrics

Why? Why are You still here with me?
Didn’t You see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve You.

But I need You to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from You this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me.
I just never saw how You
Could cherish me.
Cause You’re a God who has all things,
And still You want me.

And I need You to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from You this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.


BarlowGirl "Beautiful Ending" video


BarlowGirl "Beautiful Ending" lyrics

Oh, tragedy has taken so many
Love, lost 'cause they all forgot who You were.
And it scares me to think that I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me what is our ending?
Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?

Oh, why do I let myself let go
Of Hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart makes me forget
It's not me but You, that makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You, You're dying for me

So tell me what is our ending?
Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?
Will my life find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms

So tell me what is our ending?
Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?
Will my life find me by Your side?
'Cause Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

Ichthus 2010

Well, we went to Ichthus 2010 and came back in one piece :)

For those who have never heard of Ichthus, it is the oldest Christian music festival in the nation--starting in 1970. It is located in Kentucky on a 111-acre "farm" (about 4 hrs away). A typical "Ichthus day" consists of waking up around 7:30am, eating breakfast in our own tent area, group devotions in our tent area, and then going to the main stage for a festival-wide worship service followed by a guest speaker. After that, it varied each day. There were 4-5 music stages spread across the festival, each pertaining to a different Christian music genre (whether it was worship, gospel, techno, rock, etc.) and each with different music groups performing on that stage. So after the main stage worship service/guest speaker, we could go to one of these stages and listen to music, walk through merchandise booths, or go back to our tent area to play games/relax. After lunch, there was another guest speaker, followed by a couple more music groups. After dinner, was another speaker (on the last day, we had a communion service at this time) then a music group, followed by a worship service to end the evening. The youth were required to attend morning group devotion and main stage morning & evening worship services. They were also required to listen to a guest speaker in the morning, afternoon & evening..but could choose which speaker; each stage had a different speaker.

I really liked how EVERYONE was made to feel welcome at Ichthus. There were tattoed-pierced-spikey haired people walking alongside skinny pants-rocker people and everyone was okay with everyone else. One speaker that I wanted to hear but couldn't make it, was a "goth" Christian who spoke about Jesus' love for people he called "freaks" and how they should not be looked down upon based on their appearance. He spoke about how what is on the inside matters the most. How true is that and how often do you look at someone and form an opinion of them based on what you see? Just because they have a tattoo or piercing or may not conform to this "perfect person" image that we have in our heads, does not mean that they don't have feelings and want to be loved like everyone else. Their heart beats just the same as ours, blood that is pumping through our bodies is pumping through theirs. They are a dying soul that needs Jesus just as much as the next person. That's a good thing to remember.

And of course I enjoyed Ichthus because it deals with music. Music has always been a big part of my life, even before I was a Christian. My mom has home videos of me (3 yrs old)dancing to Michael Jackson's "Beat It" and singing random songs. Even now, I am constantly singing as I do housework or driving in my car etc. My dad has worked for various radio stations as broadcast engineer since I can remember, so he would sometimes take me to the station and I would sit and watch the DJ's do their thing, or I would go to a concert with him and watch him set up the sound stages. I find that music helps me through some of my toughest times. When I don't know what else to do or say, I just sing (Christian music, of course). But why is it that one of the things I am most passionate about, has become the thing I am most afraid of doing? Even at Ichthus, I couldn't bring myself to sing aloud to the songs because I worried about people around me hearing my voice..so I would mouth the words. Up until a couple of years ago, I would sing at churches and sang at a local Christian festival one summer but then stopped. The same Christian festival asked if I would sing there again this year, but I made up an excuse because I was afraid of singing in front of everyone. I was afraid of them hearing my voice and didn't want them to see me because I have issues with my appearance right now. My dad has been asking me to come sing a special at his church but I keep refusing because I don't feel that I'm good enough to be up there. But when I'm at home, I sing and sing and sing. And I often have these dreams that I am in front of a lot of people on a stage singing..I can see people's hands raised in worship of the Lord and I can hear the music..but that's as far as the dream goes. And I wake up thinking "yeah right, that can't possibly be me, up there, in front of all those people" and I forget about the dream until it happens again. I think that I also don't feel like I could make much of an impact because I don't play an instrument. I have wanted to learn guitar and piano for years now. I think singing to an accompaniment CD is good, but there is just something about being able to play the music you're singing to.

But back to Ichthus, the only real "negative" would have been the temperature. There was NO breeze at all the entire time we were there. And the 111 acres was all open, with very little trees for shade. So I found myself getting moody at times due to the heat. I get tired easily and usually take a nap at home, but it was so humid that I couldn't lay in our tent to nap. Plus, our campsite was about 1 1/2 miles from the main stage, at the top of a hill. So it was a lot of walking back & forth in the hot sun. Also, our kids came along and I didn't want them out in the sun for long periods of time, so we spent a lot of time under the church tent to keep the kids out of the sun.

The showers at Ichthus were a challenge, for sure. They had two huge brick building, each split in half with women's showers on one side & men's on the other. Wouldn't you know that the men's showers NEVER had a waiting line. Why is that? But each time I took a shower in the women's showers, I had to wait at least 1 1/2 to 2 HOURS in line. And that was a challenge for me. I do not have the patience to stand in line for 2 hours to take a cold shower. I am a "it needs done-let's get it done now" type of person. (yes, I'm still working on the whole being flexible thing) And it was so humid that by the time I finished my shower and dressed, I was sweaty and needed another shower. And I wasn't the only moody person..we were all struggling in that area.

So I had a little "person issue" while at Ichthus but I feel that I handled it well. There were three different Methodist churches that came together as a large group. One group was a mom, her daughter, and her two nieces. The daughter went to school with my daughter but I had never met the mom. The mom was a very outspoken, loud type of person. While making a meal, I was telling the mom how we are taking our daughter out of her school next year and putting her in an online public school, due to bullying and other issues. The mom says "Did you talk to the teacher?" (yes) "Did you talk to the principal? (yes, and my daughter even went to the principal and took the student doing the bullying with her, to no effect) Then the mom says "Well, I like to have a hand in MY kids' education and I can bet THAT wouldn't happen to me". And I just look at her. I wanted to say "SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION AND DON'T WANT TO HAVE A HAND IN IT?...I was furious but I bit my tongue and just kept cooking the food. And the rest of the time, I was polite with her but didn't go out of my way to talk to her anymore. When she got ready to leave, she said bye to everyone else and walked right by me. And I have no clue what I did to make her upset with me. But I know that she bothered one of the Pastors that was there, because he commented that he would be fine with her not coming next year (I never told him about the conversation I had with her).

I just really wish that people would think before they say hurtful or rude things to other people...and before they make assumptions about a person or a situation without knowing all of the details first. She doesn't know how my daughter would come home from school crying or upset because someone made fun of her speech (she is in speech therapy due to pronunciation problems) or her clothes or something like that. She doesn't know how my daughter's spelling grade dropped to a C this year because due to her speech problem, she is spelling words how she is hearing herself say them. She doesn't know how my daughter has missed 15+ days of school last year due to health problems, causing her to be behind on schoolwork which has affected her grades. She doesn't know how we have BATTLED financially this year and have not been able to buy my daughter the clothes/shoes that she needs to not get made fun of at school (and trust me, in 3rd grade what you wear and brand names ARE a huge issue at my daughter's school). She doesn't know how I would wake in the middle of the night crying because I knew my daughter didn't want to go to school and praying that she would have a good day and not get made fun of. This woman didn't even know...yet she assumed.

But I can say that since my daughter has went through bullying, I now know that it's not a joking matter. At all. It's a serious thing that, unfortunately, is not being taken serious at my daughter's school. My husband took my daughter on a field trip a couple months ago and overheard a couple of the mother's talking. One mother was saying that her older daughter has been dealing with bullying in the same school and that she is sending her daughter to another school next year. Yet the school claims to have a "zero tolerance" policy. And I'm not the type to go to the principal and rip him up & down about this bullying. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about my daughter or her education AT ALL. I'm choosing to remove her from the problem, into an environment that she will feel comfortable in and will help her better learn and grow. Plus, I like the fact that I can incorporate Biblical teaching into her online schooling, whereas the school she is in now would be against that.

So, I said all this to say: "Would I go to Ichthus again next year?" Yes!! (but I don't think I would take my kids along). I want to be able to sit through the speakers and music groups. I am also a front row person for concerts and wasn't able to do that this year. Also, I feel that something different needs to be done regarding the meals. The pastor's wife has been coming to Ichthus for the past 4-5 years, making all of the meals, cleaning up etc. She misses just about everything going on since she is under our tent the whole time and I found myself staying there to help her and missing everything also. I suggested coming up with teams for meals and rotating the schedule so two or three people are not doing everything. Also, the youth are old enough to help out with some of the meal preparation. So hopefully they will consider doing that for next year.

The next few posts that I make on here will be YouTube videos of artists from Ichthus..enjoy!

Kentucky, here we come..

Heading to a Christian music festival through the weekend..should be fun! Lots of great music artists and guest speakers. Hopefully I can relax a little bit also; all of this cleaning and packing has left me soo tired.

HUNGRY..for more than a cheeseburger.

YouTube "Hungry" by Joy Williams


"Hungry" lyrics
Hungry I come to You, for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You, so I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Broken I run to You, for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
So I wait for You, so I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

You're all I'm living for, Jesus

So I wait for You, so I wait for You, I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy

time to break suction.

Well, I woke up this morning and read my Bible before doing anything else. I haven't been doing that lately. I typically wake up and then see everything that needs done: laundry, dishes, and other cleaning..so I start stressing and start cleaning and before I know it, it's time for bed.

So after reading my Bible, I headed to my parent's house to get some laundry done (see previous post-we can't use our washer/dryer yet so are washing clothes there and hanging them outside on clothesline to dry) It's around 11:30am when I get to my parent's house and both of my brother's are still asleep. My parent's are going through A LOT right now..they live in a small 2 bedroom trailer and my 26 and 21 year old brothers both moved in with them. My parents have one bedroom, my oldest brother has the 2nd bedroom and my younger brother sleeps on the couch. In the living room, is a crib that my youngest brother's twins share.

My 26-year-old brother has a 4-year-old daughter who is with her mom during the week and with my brother on the weekends..he also has a 6-month-old son who lives with the mom but spends the night at my parents often. My 21-year-old brother has boy/girl twins who are 16 months old and live with their mom half the week, with my brother the other half. Both of my brothers are still married but separated from their wives. My oldest brother says he wants a divorce but can't afford it; he is seeing someone now and has a baby with her. My youngest brother says he doesn't want a divorce, but is seeing someone else right now. So my parent's house is PACKED 24/7 with people. It's frustrating at times because my kids are always put last. My kids haven't been able to spend the night at my parent's house in a year & a half (that's how long my brothers have lived with my parents) I don't really care for my kids to go down to my parent's to even visit because there is no room for them there, plus with so many people living together, someone is always sick there.

And I have mixed emotions regarding my parents on this. I feel bad that they are going through this, but then don't feel bad because they are allowing it. Don't get me wrong-I love them so much, but they are not helping the situation. Growing up, my mom did EVERYTHING for us (my dad & us kids). Seriously. For example, I remember being 12 years old, lying on the couch downstairs, and yelling upstairs for my mom to get me something to drink..and she would come downstairs and do it. My dad would come home from work, go upstairs to his computer for the rest of the night, and my mom would bring his dinner upstairs to him and take his dirty dishes downstairs when he was done. My dad didn't talk to us much and if we got in trouble (discipline was very rare) it was from my mom. My brothers and I never had any chores..and as you can imagine, it was a shock when I became pregnant with my daughter at 18, got married and moved out on my own. I had never done laundry, washed dishes, cleaned house..NOTHING. The sad part was that, growing up, my mom tried to keep up with everything on her own, but just couldn't do it. And I think that just seeing how unorganized and messy everything was made me NOT want that for my house. And unfortunately, I can be almost OCD (obsessive-compulsive) about cleaning because I don't want things to be like they were growing up. I can be "a pain in the butt" about my kids keeping their things picked up etc. which can cause a lot of arguments and stress on all ends.

But the way my mom was growing up, is how she still is now. And so my brothers, who are adults, are living at home and my mom is doing everything for them again. They sleep in until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, do no chores, and make a huge mess of the whole house. While my parent's are both working, trying to make ends meet and supporting all of those people. And I have tried talking to my mom about the situation. I told her that they will never learn how to do things on their own. I told her that my brothers will be 40 years old still living at home with them. I tried explaining that she is not helping them, she is actually hurting them. She says that she doesn't want them out on the streets with nowhere to go. Last month, she did get angry and told them they both needed to be out by June 1st..but the deadline came and went with nothing happening. My brothers know that she's not serious and continue to mooch off of them. I don't see how anyone could be okay with living off of someone else like that. At the least, I would be doing all of the housework and having everything spotless, since my parents are paying for everything. If my brothers' kids need diapers, formula, wet wipes etc my mom goes to the store and buys it. And that's a tough situation because she doesn't want the kids going without necessities but my brothers are making no effort on their part.

I'm just not sure what else to do. My parent's have to get to the point where they are seriously fed up and kick them both out. And I hope that it happens soon..

how HE loves us...

Before I type anything else, I need to give God praise for something that happened. My uncle (who was a smoker for years) found out awhile back that he had throat cancer. His doctor removed his voicebox and put a trach in shortly after that. My uncle was told about a month ago that the cancer was back and that he would need to go through chemo again. When my uncle heard this he said that he was not giving up and would fight. Myself and others began praying for his salvation and for healing. Last weekend, two of my uncles went to visit this uncle and led him to the Lord! We are still believing God for his complete healing and give God ALL the glory!!

Today has been better than yesterday. I took my final exam and feel that I did well on it. Then met up with a friend whom I've known since middle school. She is leaving this Sunday to go to Ghana with a group through Wycliffe Bible Translators. She has a teaching degree in ESL (English as a second language) and at one time lived in Mexico for a couple of years, teaching English to missionary children there. I am so excited for her and for what God is doing in and through her! It was nice to spend a couple of hours with her before she leaves for the trip.

On the way home from visiting with my friend, I turned the radio to K-LOVE. If you've never listened to K-LOVE, check it out www.klove.com to listen online. The song that came on the radio was David Crowder Band's "How He Loves Us", which I've heard several times. I would have to say that David Crowder is one of my favorite bands. So this song comes on the radio and I start crying like a baby. It was like the lyrics finally sunk in--that HE loves ME..regardless of what I think about myself..regardless of what I see in the mirror every day. He loves me! Even now, tears are coming to my eyes as I think about that. That He would even look my way and see me, amongst the billions of people in this world. That every day I fail Him..I fall short..I don't read my Bible like I should..I don't pray like I should..I don't keep my focus on Him like I should, yet HE loves ME. Wow.

I can say now that I've had my own children, I see things in a different light. To have carried them inside me..felt them move around..go through 12-15 hours of labor for each child..and then see this beautiful baby before me. Something that started out as small as the tip of a pencil and grew into an 8 or 9 lb baby inside of my body. Something that God created and knew before they were even in my womb. And I think of how I would give MY life for them in an instant..and then I think of how God gave His Son for me. And again I'm brought to tears because it's beyond anything I can comprehend..words can't even describe the gift that I've been given.

YouTube video David Crowder Band "How He Loves Us"


David Crowder Band- "How He Loves Us" lyrics

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

just one of those days..months..years..

ughhh seriously?! Today has been such a terrible day. I just want to cry..in fact, I actually did cry (in private of course, can't let anyone see THAT)

Warning: If you are male or have a weak stomach, don't read the rest of this. Seriously. End of warning.

Another of the health issues I've been dealing with is female problems. Yes, I'm talking menstruation..period..whatever you want to call it. From the age of 9 until present, I have had terrible, heavy, painful periods. All through middle & high school, I would miss so many days of school due to this. I spent the first two days of every period lying in bed, curled in a ball, with a heating pad on my abdomen and a bottle of Motrin beside me.

I've had two children and after each birth, the periods became even worse. My most recent ob/gyn told me two years ago, at the age of 26, that I needed to have a hysterectomy. When I heard this, I wanted to yell "SERIOUSLY! I'm 26 and you want to RIP my uterus out of my body?!" I mean at the age of 26 some women haven't even started having kids! So my ob/gyn said he would do a D&C and see if that helped with the problems. In early 2008 I had a D&C done, which is basically where the cervix is dilated and a knife-type tool is used to cut and thin out the lining of the uterus. The ideal result is a lighter period, but I had no improvement after the procedure. So my ob/gyn decided to start me on a birth control pill to lighten my period and reduce cramping. I had never been on birth control in my whole life; in fact I had a hard time getting pregnant with my second child. I resented having to put another medication in my body but agreed to try it. I took the birth control pill 3 weeks on, 1 week off for 8 months with no improvement.

In August 2008, I started my practical nursing clinicals. I knew that I wanted to go through clinicals but also knew that I couldn't miss any clinical days due to my female problems. I discussed this with my ob/gyn and we decided that I would switch to taking the active-only pills, with the result of me not having a period at all. I knew this was the only way for me to make it through a year of nursing clinicals without missing any days. The nursing program was very strict-if you missed more than 2 days of clinicals, you were removed from the program and had to go back on the waiting list until the following year. However, even with taking only the active pills, my body still kept trying to have a period. So I would have to go off the pill, have a period, and start the active pills again. The periods that I had during this time were a little lighter but because my body was meant to have a period-it messed things up. I was moody, felt bloated all the time, and just felt plain blah. But I made it through the nursing program and then switched back to taking the pill 3weeks on, 1 week off.

I graduated August 2009 and since then, have just been "dealing" with my female problems. I'm usually in bed or lying on the couch for the first day or two each month but after that can deal with it. However, today was just terrible. I had to get laundry done because we are going out-of-town next week and I want the house spotless (yes, I can be OCD about housework). Doing laundry here consists of putting the dirty clothes in a basket, driving 1/2 mile to my parent's house, washing the clothes, driving back home, and hanging them out on the clothesline. Right now, our bathroom floor is very soft and we are waiting on our landlord to fix the floor. Once the floor is fixed, we can bring our washer/dryer into the bathroom, where the hook-ups are. So instead of lying down and resting like I should have been doing, I had this MUST-get-laundry-done mindset. To make a long story short, my period decided to give a full-force appearance in the middle of doing laundry at my parent's house. So I run to the bathroom only to find I'm going to need a shower/full change of clothes. All the clothes were washed and either hanging on my clothesline at home or in my parent's washer. So I grab my car keys and an old towel to sit on and drive home. The embarrassing part was that I had to walk past my two brothers and past all the traffic driving by to get to my car to drive home.

But it doesn't end there. That would be too easy, right? I walk inside my house, throw the car keys down, kick off my shoes..only to hear my husband (who is sitting on the couch) say, "What's wrong?" I wanted to scream: "WHAT'S WRONG?! ughhhh! EVERYTHING!" But all I did was point to the back of my pants and he got the point. So I hop in the shower and have a meltdown. And cry. And cry. And cry. Why? Because I'm tired of dealing with this every month. Because I want to yell and scream and say "God, how much longer do I have to deal with this?! It's been almost 20 years!" Because I have to base everything around my period. We can't take vacations during my period. I can't get a job right now because I can't just call in sick EVERY month during the first two days of EVERY period. I have this fear of working as a nurse, being in the middle of caring for a patient in their room, and having this full-force period explosion all over my white nursing pants. I can't wear anything but black pants and long tops during my period. Plus on top of all of this, I have a final exam that is due by Friday of this week for my online class...and I have to wait until Friday to take it because I can't chance going on campus and having PERIOD ISSUES during the exam! So I walk out of the bathroom with tear-stained cheeks and red puffy eyes and my husband (who is still sitting on the couch) says, "Is [our son] still at your mom's?" ugggghhhh! I give him an evil look and walk back into the bedroom. What I wanted was him to ask if I'm okay or call me over to him and hold me or SOMETHING other than ask me an OBVIOUS question!

So I grab the phone book and sulk off into the bedroom. I haven't been to my ob/gyn since 2008 because he is just DIFFERENT. He is very straight-forward and keeps saying "hysterectomy, hysterectomy" and I just want to give him a piece of my "I'm not having a hysterectomy at 28-years-old" mind. So I call another ob/gyn and set up an appointment as a new patient. They tried setting up an appointment for 4 weeks from now, but all I had to do was spill out my gory monthly happenings and got an appointment for 2 weeks from now instead. But as I was on the phone, my husband comes into the bedroom and hears me making an appointment. I get off the phone and he says, "Did you get everything taken care of..Did you make me an appointment too?" and starts laughing!! SERIOUSLY! I want to cry but hold it in. Why are guys so insensitive? If he only knew what I go through with these female problems! If he could just go through it for one month, maybe that would change his attitude! For some reason, he doesn't think before he says things and then once he has spoken, it doesn't phase him. It's like his brain goes on to the next thought without giving any thought to what he just thought/said. So he comes in the living and says, "I'm heading into town" at which point I jump down his throat about how he's so insensitive and doesn't care about me and what I'm going through. And he gives me his usual remark: "Whatever" and walks out the door. And I cry and cry for the next half hour.

What can I say..it's been a GREAT day!

The beginning of my journey

"The Real Me"...

I chose this as the name of my blog for several reasons. First, there is a song that I like called "The Real Me" by Natalie Grant that has spoken to me and my situation (I'll post the lyrics below). Second, I feel that a person can get lost in everything around them (their situation, circumstances, negative thoughts, what others think) becoming someone they don't want to be...and that's where I am right now. I'm not saying that I'm a fake person or anything like that but I've lost the "real" me..the "confident, happy, energetic, knowing that I am a called loved highly-favored child of God" me. I've listened to the lies of the enemy, telling me that I'm ugly..not good enough..the list goes on and on. The third reason that I chose the title "The Real Me" is because that is what I'm going to be with this blog: REAL. I'm going to be honest and open at all times.

The other night, as I was lying in bed, the thought of starting my own blog crossed my mind. I thought of how I'm disappointed with myself and where I am, in several areas of my life. I thought of how I often hold things in and keep things to myself, and how pouring everything out in this blog will help in that area. I thought of all of the health problems I've been going through over the past two years and how this blog will serve as the testimony of the healing that is coming my way. I thought back to past times when I would sit and worship the Lord for hours, letting nothing distract me and feeling so full of joy. And now I can't even raise my hands or sit through a worship service without distracting, negative thoughts stealing that joy...and how I NEED that joy back. I've thought about how my relationship with God isn't where I want it to be and how this blog will help to open my eyes to better be accountable to that.

One of the many health issues I've been dealing with is extreme fatigue. I have had countless blood draws to rule out disease or disorder (all were negative), along with trying several medications to no avail. What the fatigue means for me, is that I need to take several naps or have several rest periods each day. I can vacuum the living room carpet and then feel the need to take a nap afterwards. And little exercise or activity- along with medication side effects- means I have gained weight. So that is another issue that I'm dealing with right now. I refuse to buy bigger clothes because I don't plan on staying this size. I would rather groan and grunt to button my smaller size jeans or pull on a pair of sweats. It's very frustrating and disappointing as I've NEVER had to worry about my weight. I honestly dread going out in public and pray that I don't see anyone that I know. I am so self-conscious right now and disappointed in how I look.

So even though I am so tired that I can't even imagine getting up to exercise, I know that I HAVE TO! No one else can do this for me. I can sit back and feel sorry for myself and continue down the same path I am in, until even stretchy pants won't fit me. Or I can get up and MOVE..exercise..walk..SOMETHING. And I know that it's taken me a good 6 months or so to get this way..and it will take time to get back to where I was. And I know I'll have good days and bad days..but I've got to start! So this is my promise that I will try my hardest to eat healthier and get off the couch, as HARD as it may be.

Through this all, I KNOW that HE cares and sees the REAL me..

YouTube "The Real Me" video:





Natalie Grant - "The Real Me"

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me